Goodbye, Tina

For those of you that don't know, I went to Montana to settle some things with Tina. She wasn't answering my calls. She had her new girlfriend staying in my house and my dad saw her.

It was surprising to me to walk into my house and see that my pictures had been taken down. My things were still in the bathroom, which if they weren't, I would have been really hurt. Her girlfriend (Joan) had given her flowers and they were on the kitchen table. In the bedroom, I found a card given to Tina from Joan saying she can't wait until they can go to bed together and wake up together, and blah, blah, blah. She said something to the effect of, "and follow the rules you have set..." and I'm wondering WTF stupid ass rules Tina has laid down. That's what I'm wondering the most about. How fucked is that?

She wasn't there when Eva and I arrived. We didn't get there until about 3AM. She says she didn't know we were coming...I believe her...but what I find disturbing is that she left our dogs--our kids--to fend for themselves all night. That's so fucked up. I called her in the morning and told her that I was in Conrad and asked her to come see me so we could talk about things and get closure. She was such a bitch about it. She didn't want to see me. She didn't think there was anything to work out, etc. I explained that I came all the way to talk to her and to smooth things over for HER with my father. After 7 years, it was the least she could do. She might not need the closure, but I did. Fuck.

So, she finally agreed to come to town. Eva went to visit her family in Great Falls. I was alone in the house and just cried my little eyes out. It was so hard to say goodbye to the life I've known for 7 years. The fact that I'm someone she hates now. The fact that she could walk away and never see me again. My dad came over and I could see that he was very concerned about what was going on with me and my situation. I spent a good time over at his house with him, talking about what we would do about the house after Tina left, if she should be allowed to stay, what he said to her that day, what he saw, and how he felt about everything.

Tina had Joan in my house, right next door to my dad, for a few days. My dad was pissed because he thought Joan was moving in. Tina isn't giving me money anymore...and my dad knows how hard of a time I'm having now...so he was upset that Tina seemed to think that she was untouchable and that she could just move in my replacement. Tina's dad and brother pulled up in their trucks in front of the house and started to unload some things. My dad, like I said, thought that Joan was moving in. He went out there and asked Tina if this was the girl she replaced me with and if she was moving out or if Joan was moving in. For my dad to do this, he had to have been really hurt and upset. My dad is the most non-confrontational person I know. He said he tried to control his anger, but he knows that everyone could tell he was livid.

Tina told me she needed some time in the house because she's not able to find a place to rent in Great Falls on account of the dogs. She and Joan are buying a house together. Excuse me while I vomit.

Anyway, my dad and I agree that Tina can stay in the house as long as she agrees to NEVER have Joan there again. I explained to Tina that my family really thought highly of her and that was all shattered the minute my dad saw she had Joan. It's one thing to move on, but it was wrong of her to have her staying there when my family is RIGHT THERE. My family knew about Joan before I did. How fucked is that?

Tina showed up late that night. When she first came in she was bitchy. She was lecturing me on the condition of the house. She said it was really messy. It wasn't. When she bitched about the shower curtain being open, I just told her that she was just looking for reasons to be a complete bitch and to knock it the fuck off. She was trying to tell me that I had to stay in Conrad to care for the dogs. That she didn't feel like staying with the way things were with my dad. She was just rude and defensive. I'm glad I was able to calm her and we actually had a nice talk.

We both said we were sorry about the way things were in the course of our relationship. We both said that we are happy with the people we're with now...how I left her in January and she cried and cried. That I hurt her in November when I said I wanted to move. That she's had since November to get over me, etc.

I told her that I had no choice but to leave in January. That I wasn't happy anymore and that I knew nothing would change. I said I was sorry for having an affair. I am sorry for hurting her the way I did. I told her that I'm really happy now and thank you for letting me go. I also said that I can't believe she thought she could just have some other chick come stay here and that I couldn't believe she fucked her in my bed...and that I wanted to punch her in the face. LOL. That made us both laugh and so we just started teasing each other about it, etc. She was actually kinda flirty after that...maybe I was, too. I wouldn't have done anything...but it was nice to see "that look" in her eye for me.

So, we said our goodbye's. She cried. I was just in disbelief. My friend Rhonda was in town and she came over after Tina left. I'm glad I have her.

Later that night, Tina called and asked if her wallet was at the house. I wasn't home, so I told her I'd check when I got there and send her a text message. Eva came back that night and met up with Rhonda and I. I totally forgot about checking for the wallet by the time I got home, so Tina called me bright and early the following morning. It was there so she said she'd be there to pick it up in an hour. I went back to sleep with Eva's arms around me. It was wonderful.

Tina showed up and I got up to chat with her about her plans for the day, etc. She knew Eva was in the bedroom. Sully went in there and got on the bed with her...Tina didn't like that. Tina made me a pot of coffee and then poured it for me...even fixed it for me. When she left, she was crying again. I don't get it.

She said that she sometimes cries to Joan about me. I told her not to do that anymore. I think Tina still loves me and feels that she would be weak around me..and that being mad at me helps her distance herself from me. Maybe I'm reading more into it. Maybe she really does hate me now...but that's what I get from all the things we said, the way she looks at me, and she didn't let me go for the longest time when we hugged goodbye. I dunno...

So, now after 7 years...this is how it ends. There's a part of me that can't believe it happened. Not that I want Tina back, but that it's actually over. We just walked away. We've both started new lives. It feels like the last 7 years didn't happen. Like all the memories are dreams that I haven't forgotten. The pain of Lillian going back to her mom is the only thing that feels real. But even so, it feels like it was all a dream.

I know I have Eva now. But it still feels like I'm alone. I'm in this world with only myself to rely on. Well, kind of. My dad is giving me enough money to last me through school...it equals to about $2000.00 a month...that scares the shit outta me. Tina was my security and she's gone.

Part of me wonders if I can make it. I don't think I can. I'm not a strong person and I wonder WTF I was thinking when I told myself I could do it without her. I feel like I should have just sucked it up and continued to live my life with Tina. Even though I was lonely--so fucking lonely--and unhappy. At least I didn't have to try. Now, I have no choice but to try. I just know I'm going to fall on my face. Fuck.