It's cold outside

It's been forever since I've written. Eva and I are moved in, finally. We're in Post Falls, ID. So much in my life has changed over the last year. Last year at this time I was mourning Lillian and getting ready for my move to Yakima. Last year I was in a tiny house, with a wife and two dogs. Shopping was terrible because I missed Lillian so much and I felt such a void.

This year, I live in a big house with Eva, three dogs, and my mom. I can't remember what it was like sleeping next to Tina, having her kiss me, etc. The vision I have of Tina is her in our back yard, tending to the fire with a beer in her hand. She's wearing a blue cap and a big sweatshirt. She turns and smiles at me, but it isn't the kind of smile you give a lover. It's more like the smile you'd give a close friend.

Life with Eva has proven difficult and there are times I wonder what I was thinking leaving Tina. Then, for the most part, Eva is just amazing. She's so full of life and she makes me laugh everyday. She needs me and it's a wonderful feeling. I know she's devoted to me even though everyday isn't perfect. She doesn't sway. She stays true to me. For some reason I can't find the words to express what I'm trying to say. I guess if I had to sum it all up, I'd say:

I love Eva. I KNOW she loves me, too. We're making a life together. Starting from scratch. It isn't me entering a life that was already made, trying to find my way of fitting in. We are literally starting with nothing. I'm scared out of my mind and there are times I feel so insecure. Not the insecure that I think she'll leave me..but I doubt myself and my ability to make it in the world without Tina and her money. I always told Tina that I came to the relationship with nothing and I gave up on my dreams/goals to be at home for her. If we were to split up, I'd leave with nothing and not much would change for her. She'd still have her life, her money, her job, her SELF. And that's exactly what happened.

Eva is amazing in that she wants to do this with me. Her life with me is completely different from anything she's ever known before. And she just dived in. Head first. I feel like at times I was on the edge, putting one toe in at a time. It wasn't anything against Eva, it was me. It's been so long since I've had to really do anything for myself. I actually have a job now. And I'm terrified.

I start said job tomorrow. Wish me luck.